I have not written on a blog page in years. I just get so caught up in life and figuring things out through my journal that I guess I forgot about it. But since I'm here now I figured, what better time than now?
Since the last time I wrote (in 2010) A LOT has changed. And when I say a lot, I mean it. For starters, I am no longer with Stephen ( I will explain later, long story). Secondly, I don't talk to Ross anymore.. or Bryce for that matter. (Also a long story) Anyway, Here is goes...
My 19th birthday is now in less than 24 hours. I finally got my driver's license and I'm in college. I have no idea what I want to major in, so for the time being I am just winging it. I have no idea where I want to go in life. I don't know what my future holds for me. And in this process of uncertainty, I am sort of lost.
So here is the story about how I lost Stephen. Or as everyone tells me, how he lost me. I saw him this summer. In person... And all I can say is, so far, that was the most magical time in my life. It was absolutely amazing and until something similar happens again, no matter what happened, it was probably the most exhilarating thing I've ever experienced in my life. Just because of the longing I had built up over the 2+ years that I waited.
However, after that summer, we started college and everything went to hell. We never had time for each other (or rather he never had time for me) and we became more and more distant and the pain I was already feeling from being away from him after finally getting to be with him just continued to grow. We fought about breaking up or taking a break and I cried myself to sleep often. It was too much for me to handle. then there were girls telling me to leave him alone, that he belonged to them now. Considering the fact that he had already cheated on me once, I didn't take it lightly. I already knew I should have broken up with him when I found out, but I didn't feel strong enough. I was going to lose my best friend in the world (other than Allison) if i did. And after a while, he was just........ gone.
He didn't say a word.
The last thing he said to me was "I love you" at the end of a random conversation we had had.
He was too much of a coward to even tell me that he wasn't going to come back.
And just like that, my heart was ripped out.
My best friend. The love of my life. My future. Everything that I had had for the past 2 years to keep me going....
Suddenly gone.
I told myself for a long time that it was okay because he deserved so much better than me. I don't really know how I feel about that now. I feel like maybe it might be true. But then again, I would have had the common decency to treat him like a human being, so maybe it isn't true after all...
I still haven't gotten over him. As much as I hate to admit it, I still think about him everyday. It doesn't hurt as much as it did a couple months ago, but it stings nonetheless. I still am trying to figure out how to get over him. I guess I'm still emotionally exhausted from everything that happened between us in such an extremely short period of time. All I can say is that he really did lose the best thing that could have happened in his life.... I was willing to do anything for him.... anything. I would have moved across the country if it meant that I could be with him forever. But if I am being honest with myself, I would never ever even consider taking him back. Under an circumstances, I couldn't put myself through all that again. I don't believe it is worth the heartache.
My life since then has been at a sort of standstill.
Anyway... I will write again soon... talking about all this has kind of left my brain too preoccupied to think about anything else.
All my love to you readers that will probably never ever read this.
Sincerely,
Sarah
