Guess Who?

Well Howdy! 

I have not written on a blog page in years. I just get so caught up in life and figuring things out through my journal that I guess I forgot about it. But since I'm here now I figured, what better time than now? 

Since the last time I wrote (in 2010) A LOT has changed. And when I say a lot, I mean it. For starters, I am no longer with Stephen ( I will explain later, long story). Secondly, I don't talk to Ross anymore.. or Bryce for that matter. (Also a long story) Anyway, Here is goes...

My 19th birthday is now in less than 24 hours. I finally got my driver's license and I'm in college. I have no idea what I want to major in, so for the time being I am just winging it. I have no idea where I want to go in life. I don't know what my future holds for me. And in this process of uncertainty, I am sort of lost. 

So here is the story about how I lost Stephen. Or as everyone tells me, how he lost me. I saw him this summer. In person... And all I can say is, so far, that was the most magical time in my life. It was absolutely amazing and until something similar happens again, no matter what happened, it was probably the most exhilarating thing I've ever experienced in my life. Just because of the longing I had built up over the 2+ years that I waited. 

However, after that summer, we started college and everything went to hell. We never had time for each other (or rather he never had time for me) and we became more and more distant and the pain I was already feeling from being away from him after finally getting to be with him just continued to grow. We fought about breaking up or taking a break and I cried myself to sleep often. It was too much for me to handle. then there were girls telling me to leave him alone, that he belonged to them now. Considering the fact that he had already cheated on me once, I didn't take it lightly. I already knew I should have broken up with him when I found out, but I didn't feel strong enough. I was going to lose my best friend in the world (other than Allison) if i did. And after a while, he was just........ gone.

He didn't say a word. 

The last thing he said to me was "I love you" at the end of a random conversation we had had. 

He was too much of a coward to even tell me that he wasn't going to come back.

And just like that, my heart was ripped out.

My best friend. The love of my life. My future. Everything that I had had for the past 2 years to keep me going....

Suddenly gone.

I told myself for a long time that it was okay because he deserved so much better than me. I don't really know how I feel about that now. I feel like maybe it might be true. But then again, I would have had the common decency to treat him like a human being, so maybe it isn't true after all...

I still haven't gotten over him. As much as I hate to admit it, I still think about him everyday. It doesn't hurt as much as it did a couple months ago, but it stings nonetheless. I still am trying to figure out how to get over him. I guess I'm still emotionally exhausted from everything that happened between us in such an extremely short period of time. All I can say is that he really did lose the best thing that could have happened in his life.... I was willing to do anything for him.... anything. I would have moved across the country if it meant that I could be with him forever. But if I am being honest with myself, I would never ever even consider taking him back. Under an circumstances, I couldn't put myself through all that again. I don't believe it is worth the heartache.

My life since then has been at a sort of standstill. 

Anyway... I will write again soon... talking about all this has kind of left my brain too preoccupied to think about anything else.

All my love to you readers that will probably never ever read this.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Troubled Thoughts...

For a while now, I have been feeling pretty down. Things that I need to happen, just aren't happening. I try So hard to tell him that, somehow, we need to fix things. I am personally willing to do Anything I need to in order to make things a little better. But. Here lies the problem. He tells me. No. Promises me that he will be or at least try to be a little bit better with trying to balance everything in his life, including me. The only problem is that even the day after we talk and I feel so much better for getting everything off my chest and out in the open, he is back to his old habits. I don't think he realizes how Much he is hurting me, every Single time he doesn't follow through. Lately, I have thought of maybe giving him the option of taking a little bit of time to think about whether he Really wants me. Sometimes, I actually think he just loves me out of convenience. I just can't bring myself to suggest it though. I don't want to lose him. I love him so so so much. I need to get through to him somehow. Promises. Promises. Promises. To some people, I guess they don't mean much. :\

Jealousy. I don't like being jealous. I don't like the feeling it brings or the things it makes you imagine. I try not to be a jealous person. I actually am not generally jealous... It is kind of an easy thing to train in most circumstances. A couple of things I used to be jealous of that I didn't really like At All... I was jealous the fact that Stephen used to change his relationship status on Facebook for his past girlfriends, but not for me. I was jealous that he already has somebody set as his girlfriend on Facebook, that is not me. I was jealous when I saw somebody call him "baby" or anything like that besides me. I was jealous of the picture, even though it isn't even there anymore. I was jealous of Megan. I was jealous of the ring. I'm sometimes jealous of the time that gets spent with other people instead of me, especially when I feel deprived of it in the first place. I feel like a selfish person sometimes, because I think these things. I don't act on any of them or even tell anybody about them ( well I guess now whoever reads this will know). I still just don't like it.

I want to write more, but I'm just complaining and I'm tired. Plus, Who really wants to read about My problems? :\

Sarah

Things Are Looking A Little Brighter

So, today is the Fourth of July, aka Independence Day :) This whole weekend was pretty good for once. It started with a trip to the movie theatre to see Eclipse XD It was such a good movie. I was very happy with the way they stayed very close to the book. Allison, my cousins, and I all sat in a row and ate a ton of movie theatre popcorn.(It had been way too long since the last time I had that) Then, I went over to Allison's house. I hadn't seen her in Forever, so it was really nice catching up. She still is in love with the same person... I cannot, however, reveal who that person is on here just for sake of who may read it... While I was over there I decided to bring up some of the problems I was having with Stephen. She told me that I should tell him about what was bothering me because it wasn't good to hold that sort of thing in. So, I I talked to Stephen about it. It made me really sad because of the fact that it made him feel bad. I mean, he should feel bad in a way... I dont know how to describe what i mean... Anyways, I told him and he told me that he swears to make it up to me in whatever way possible and I ended up feeling really good about the entire situation afterwords :) (Thanks Al for the advice)

Today we went over to my aunt and uncle's house for a 4th of July party... I had to be sort of careful of what I ate of course, but it was a Lot of fun... Since it was a holiday, I wasn't able to talk to my 2 favorite guys very much because we were all sort of busy, but I guess I will live even though I miss them both like crazy at the moment... (BTW, Ross won't text me back :(  ) the only downside is that Curtis just got some sparkler fire in my hair and it burned my scalp a little bit D:

Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Murphy's XDXD Murphy's is amazing, in case you haven't been there. It's an old little town about an hour away and we always go to a river over there. It is soooo Beautiful. The temperature is always perfect and if you get a little overheated, you can always get in the ice cold water. I like it because we always have a picnic and swim and then we walk through the town... this is one of those places that we have a lot of traditions in. As we are walking there is a little candy shop and it smells sooo good in there. It smells like what a little kid would want the whole world to smell like. I also like it because it isn't just an ordinary candy store, there is just something about it that is really special. The one other place that we always stop at is the rock/antique shop. Everybody gets to pick out one quarterish sized rock to buy. We have a pretty box here where we keep all of them.

I feel really lovey right now. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with and watch a movie. One of the words that I use to describe myself is "insatiable." I can't seem to get enough of so many things. I can't get enough of Stephen. I can't get enough of Ross. I don't know why I Always miss them. I feel like I constantly need to be talking to them, just to make sure they are still there. I feel like I'm going to lose them if I let them go... Of course, they probably think it is really annoying, they just probably don't know why I am doing it.

One of the things I LOVE the most in this world, that makes me happy, is waking up to texts from them. Especially ones that are more than just "Hey" or "Good Morning."  they make me wake up with a smile on my face and who can say no to that? Waking up with a smile on your face, ultimately, makes your whole day a little brighter. Bryce is actually the one that taught me that. He would say, "Smile when you wake up in the morning for me. It will make you feel better about yourself, and there will be less of a negative attitude." of course he also said, "It is also just really beautiful when you smile." But I don't really feel like getting into that right now. So, if you are reading this right now... Smile tomorrow when you wake up for me and see how it makes you feel.

I shoudl probably get to sleep now considering the big day I have ahead of me and the fact that I told my parents that I would be off in less than thirty minutes. I have my wishes and I have my dreams for tomorrow... Let's just pray they come true... Goodnight Everybody!

Don't forget to smile,
Sarah

P.S. Ross still hasn't texted me back D:

P.P.S. Me and Allison started writing a blog together. If you want to read it, you can find it at sarbearandallicat.blogspot.com  :)

This Is From A Few Days Ago... Forgot To Post It

My sister is sitting next to me watching iCarly... Yay! That was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell. I am really fricken irritated right now and she is just doing everything she can to piss me off. How nice of her. I can't be anywhere in this house without somebody bothering me and it is ridiculous. You know I always told my parents that I wouldn't leave here for college. At this point i am greatly considering walking out that door right now. But, given the fact that I have exactly 17 dollars, I'm only 17, And I have nowhere to go, I guess I am kind of screwed for now.

I have been thinking about my morals lately. Everything that I have always believed in. I have noticed that a lot of the time I happen to find loopholes into my own beliefs in order to have what I want at the time. I have No self control. It is really a problem espcially since I have recently started to lose weight. But I mean there are things that I do and have done that I am really not proud of that I do even though I know I shouldn't. It's like buying something expensive on impulse. I just can't help myself. I really disappoint myself sometimes... interrupted....

Long Time Since

Well, it has definitely been a long time since the last time I blogged on here. Probably because I have no idea how a blog is supposed to work. I guess it is just a place to write down your thoughts and share your opinions. It's a little scary doing that sometimes though. Knowing that other people could just get on and read this is kind of nerve wrecking actually. But I guess the writing is only as personal as you make it.


One thing that has always interested me is the way English teachers teach the books we read in class. I mean, they always try to get the students to find some depth in the stories, which is perfectly fine to a certain point. The authors that wrote those books had reasons for writing them the way the did, sure, but do English teachers go just a little too far sometimes? There are only so many things that the author could have wanted from their books. Too deep.


Anyways, back to something about me. Well, so much has happened since the last time. I mean what has it been, almost a year? Time goes by so fast.


Life is going by so fast for me right now. I just finished my junior year in high school which officially makes me a senior. My parents both are trying to get me to get a job. I told them that as soon as I have my permit I would greatly consider it, but that has yet to happen. I have a boyfriend, Stephen... Yes this is the same Stephen that I was talking about in the last post, and actually the last post was exactly 5 days before he asked me to be his official girlfriend. We have been "together" for going on 10 months now. That is a really long time. I love him with all my heart and soul. I really don't know what I would do without him. He is so special to me. I miss him a lot though. With the 3 hour time difference and how fricken busy he is (always) it is hard to find a lot of time for us to talk, not to mention the fact that he still has yet to send me a letter which was both my Christmas AND birthday request. I also wish he would call me more. I don't even feel like I can call him because I always feel like I will be a bother. There is just something about his voice... it makes me not want to stop talking to him, it's comforting and gentle but deep and strong, but given the fact that our conversations last about 5 minutes on average, I never get enough. We have been through some really rough times and also some really good ones, but I know he loves me, and for now, that is all that matters. I really bummed that I am not going to be able to see him this summer due to his very busy schedule. I was really looking forward to being able to touch him and feel that he is real. It is scary to think that I am going to have to go a whole nother year in order to see my own boyfriend. So much can happen in that amount of time. One other thing that I am scared of is that we are going to grow apart. There is nothing I can personally do to stop it because I am not there to change and grow with him. So much can happen in a year.

For example, I know in this blog I have not even brought up the Bryce subject. We were pretty much best friends and we hardly ever talk now... How does that happen in such a small amount of time? I also have another friend named Ross who is my bestest guy friend... he is so amazing... I have to admit that even though he says it won't happen, I am scared that I am going to lose him just like I lost Bryce. I have good reason to too. Bryce told me that we would always be there for me and that we would always be close, but we don't even have a friendship anymore. Ross means so much to me. Personally, I have no idea how he puts up with me. I'm crazy, depressing, annoying at times, etc... and for some reason he still loves me.  I miss him a lot sometimes. We hardly stop talking. Haha. We web cam all the time too. Or at least we used to until my stupid laptop stopped working. I miss talking to him a lot, and we never play Scrabble anymore cause I never get a turn on the computer due to my siblings constantly calling dibs. Ross is a special guy. He is sweet and hilarious (we share the same kind of humor and don't get offended when one of us tells the other a sexy joke of sorts like most people would). He is so much fun to talk to. Plus he isn't that bad looking :P He Is crazy though! Always telling jokes about Taco Bell. Hahahaha. Fiesta Sauce, really Ross? I couldn't lose him. He never ceases to stop trying to make me happy when I'm depressed, which is often lately. I'm really scared of losing him though.

So Friday I am going to Alli's house to have a Twilight marathon before either of us goes to see Eclipse, which is now out in theatres :D :D :D...

Till next time, "Oiier on the Porcelain" ;)
Love, Sarah

P.S. Text me :P

Black Clouds and Confusion

Do you ever feel like there is just a black cloud in your chest? Like your bottle is full and over-flowing about to shatter?

Sometimes I am just not happy. Everybody has their problems, I know, but sometimes I just feel like I want to break down and scream and cry. I think my speciality is creating black clouds for myself. My "boyfriend," Stephen, can get rid of them so easily. I don't know how he does it. He just makes me feel really good about everything.

I told Stephen that somebody asked me out and he told me he was surprised that I loved him enough to turn the guy down. I don't know what that means though. Does that mean he doesnt love me that much? Does it mean that I shouldn't love him that much? It confused me. He says he trusts me, yet when I tell him I love him, does he believe me? This is the only thing that concerns me. I wonder if he is actually commited to me. I wonder if he wants me in the same way, and as much as I want him. I really pray that he hasn't played me this entire time.

I was also thinking to myself just now, "Will we stay friends if we ever break up?" It is a sad thing to think about, but I don't know what I am supposed to be thinking. I feel bad because I don't feel like I can give him eerything he needs. We live so far away that I have a bad feeling somebody is going to be able to sweep him away from me.


Is it bad that I have been thinking things like this? Should things like this even be crossing my mind at this point?

See, this is how I create the black clouds, I think too much.

Forever and Always,
Sarah

Hmmm... Let's throw it all in there

I have never kept a blog before in my life, so I am not exactly sure how to do this, or what to say for that matter. I figured it would be interesting to try something new...

So, I got on a blog today that my friends and I used to use when we were in like 8th grade. Little did I know that my best friend for life, Allison Grace, was keeping a blog of her own on that account. She recently updated it and I was surprised to see what she had written. You see, Allison has gone out with my cousin... They broke up and she had a fit for a while, which is very much expected when you break up with somebody you "love." She has now come to the conclusion that she is in love with my brother, Curtis. I don't think he is that bad, but she refuses to find a reason that she should like him. She talks about him all of the time and has even started coming up with quotes that she claims pertain to her feelings for him. I believe he likes her back, as does the rest of my family, but she refuses to believe that he will EVER like her back.

A little something about what is going on in my life right now.... There is this guy named Stephen that I have fallen for. I like to believe that I love him, because I do, but it is hard for me to believe that he loves me back. He says he will never hurt me and that we will be together forever, but I don't know if he means it. I guess what my problem is is that I am very scared of being hurt by something like breaking up with him. It makes me so paranoid thinking about the fact that there are so many other girls out there waiting to snatch him out of my iron grip. I love him with all of my heart right now and I know it is going to hurt like hell if anything ever happens.

Another one of my problems is that I have is that I am afraid of death. Last year was the HARDEST year of my ENTIRE life. I am only 16 years old, but I am pretty sure nothing could hurt that bad. I lost both of my grandmothers within 6 months of each other and I blamed God for making me miserable and taking the people I love away from me. I yelled at him and screamed at him to no end... until I came to realize that I was just being selfish. God needed them. It is as simple as that. I miss them dearly and forever, but I know I will see them again someday. After I lost them then my great-grandfather passed away, and then my great-uncle, and my great-aunt... So many people in my life are gone forever and I am scared that one day I will be left alone with nobody to love me or for me to love. I guess it sounds kind of crazy but it is true.

Well, I guess I have rambled enough for one night...

Forever and Always,
Sarah