For a while now, I have been feeling pretty down. Things that I need to happen, just aren't happening. I try So hard to tell him that, somehow, we need to fix things. I am personally willing to do Anything I need to in order to make things a little better. But. Here lies the problem. He tells me. No. Promises me that he will be or at least try to be a little bit better with trying to balance everything in his life, including me. The only problem is that even the day after we talk and I feel so much better for getting everything off my chest and out in the open, he is back to his old habits. I don't think he realizes how Much he is hurting me, every Single time he doesn't follow through. Lately, I have thought of maybe giving him the option of taking a little bit of time to think about whether he Really wants me. Sometimes, I actually think he just loves me out of convenience. I just can't bring myself to suggest it though. I don't want to lose him. I love him so so so much. I need to get through to him somehow. Promises. Promises. Promises. To some people, I guess they don't mean much. :\
Jealousy. I don't like being jealous. I don't like the feeling it brings or the things it makes you imagine. I try not to be a jealous person. I actually am not generally jealous... It is kind of an easy thing to train in most circumstances. A couple of things I used to be jealous of that I didn't really like At All... I was jealous the fact that Stephen used to change his relationship status on Facebook for his past girlfriends, but not for me. I was jealous that he already has somebody set as his girlfriend on Facebook, that is not me. I was jealous when I saw somebody call him "baby" or anything like that besides me. I was jealous of the picture, even though it isn't even there anymore. I was jealous of Megan. I was jealous of the ring. I'm sometimes jealous of the time that gets spent with other people instead of me, especially when I feel deprived of it in the first place. I feel like a selfish person sometimes, because I think these things. I don't act on any of them or even tell anybody about them ( well I guess now whoever reads this will know). I still just don't like it.
I want to write more, but I'm just complaining and I'm tired. Plus, Who really wants to read about My problems? :\
Sarah
Friday, July 9, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Things Are Looking A Little Brighter
So, today is the Fourth of July, aka Independence Day :) This whole weekend was pretty good for once. It started with a trip to the movie theatre to see Eclipse XD It was such a good movie. I was very happy with the way they stayed very close to the book. Allison, my cousins, and I all sat in a row and ate a ton of movie theatre popcorn.(It had been way too long since the last time I had that) Then, I went over to Allison's house. I hadn't seen her in Forever, so it was really nice catching up. She still is in love with the same person... I cannot, however, reveal who that person is on here just for sake of who may read it... While I was over there I decided to bring up some of the problems I was having with Stephen. She told me that I should tell him about what was bothering me because it wasn't good to hold that sort of thing in. So, I I talked to Stephen about it. It made me really sad because of the fact that it made him feel bad. I mean, he should feel bad in a way... I dont know how to describe what i mean... Anyways, I told him and he told me that he swears to make it up to me in whatever way possible and I ended up feeling really good about the entire situation afterwords :) (Thanks Al for the advice)
Today we went over to my aunt and uncle's house for a 4th of July party... I had to be sort of careful of what I ate of course, but it was a Lot of fun... Since it was a holiday, I wasn't able to talk to my 2 favorite guys very much because we were all sort of busy, but I guess I will live even though I miss them both like crazy at the moment... (BTW, Ross won't text me back :( ) the only downside is that Curtis just got some sparkler fire in my hair and it burned my scalp a little bit D:
Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Murphy's XDXD Murphy's is amazing, in case you haven't been there. It's an old little town about an hour away and we always go to a river over there. It is soooo Beautiful. The temperature is always perfect and if you get a little overheated, you can always get in the ice cold water. I like it because we always have a picnic and swim and then we walk through the town... this is one of those places that we have a lot of traditions in. As we are walking there is a little candy shop and it smells sooo good in there. It smells like what a little kid would want the whole world to smell like. I also like it because it isn't just an ordinary candy store, there is just something about it that is really special. The one other place that we always stop at is the rock/antique shop. Everybody gets to pick out one quarterish sized rock to buy. We have a pretty box here where we keep all of them.
I feel really lovey right now. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with and watch a movie. One of the words that I use to describe myself is "insatiable." I can't seem to get enough of so many things. I can't get enough of Stephen. I can't get enough of Ross. I don't know why I Always miss them. I feel like I constantly need to be talking to them, just to make sure they are still there. I feel like I'm going to lose them if I let them go... Of course, they probably think it is really annoying, they just probably don't know why I am doing it.
One of the things I LOVE the most in this world, that makes me happy, is waking up to texts from them. Especially ones that are more than just "Hey" or "Good Morning." they make me wake up with a smile on my face and who can say no to that? Waking up with a smile on your face, ultimately, makes your whole day a little brighter. Bryce is actually the one that taught me that. He would say, "Smile when you wake up in the morning for me. It will make you feel better about yourself, and there will be less of a negative attitude." of course he also said, "It is also just really beautiful when you smile." But I don't really feel like getting into that right now. So, if you are reading this right now... Smile tomorrow when you wake up for me and see how it makes you feel.
I shoudl probably get to sleep now considering the big day I have ahead of me and the fact that I told my parents that I would be off in less than thirty minutes. I have my wishes and I have my dreams for tomorrow... Let's just pray they come true... Goodnight Everybody!
Don't forget to smile,
Sarah
P.S. Ross still hasn't texted me back D:
P.P.S. Me and Allison started writing a blog together. If you want to read it, you can find it at sarbearandallicat.blogspot.com :)
Today we went over to my aunt and uncle's house for a 4th of July party... I had to be sort of careful of what I ate of course, but it was a Lot of fun... Since it was a holiday, I wasn't able to talk to my 2 favorite guys very much because we were all sort of busy, but I guess I will live even though I miss them both like crazy at the moment... (BTW, Ross won't text me back :( ) the only downside is that Curtis just got some sparkler fire in my hair and it burned my scalp a little bit D:
Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Murphy's XDXD Murphy's is amazing, in case you haven't been there. It's an old little town about an hour away and we always go to a river over there. It is soooo Beautiful. The temperature is always perfect and if you get a little overheated, you can always get in the ice cold water. I like it because we always have a picnic and swim and then we walk through the town... this is one of those places that we have a lot of traditions in. As we are walking there is a little candy shop and it smells sooo good in there. It smells like what a little kid would want the whole world to smell like. I also like it because it isn't just an ordinary candy store, there is just something about it that is really special. The one other place that we always stop at is the rock/antique shop. Everybody gets to pick out one quarterish sized rock to buy. We have a pretty box here where we keep all of them.
I feel really lovey right now. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with and watch a movie. One of the words that I use to describe myself is "insatiable." I can't seem to get enough of so many things. I can't get enough of Stephen. I can't get enough of Ross. I don't know why I Always miss them. I feel like I constantly need to be talking to them, just to make sure they are still there. I feel like I'm going to lose them if I let them go... Of course, they probably think it is really annoying, they just probably don't know why I am doing it.
One of the things I LOVE the most in this world, that makes me happy, is waking up to texts from them. Especially ones that are more than just "Hey" or "Good Morning." they make me wake up with a smile on my face and who can say no to that? Waking up with a smile on your face, ultimately, makes your whole day a little brighter. Bryce is actually the one that taught me that. He would say, "Smile when you wake up in the morning for me. It will make you feel better about yourself, and there will be less of a negative attitude." of course he also said, "It is also just really beautiful when you smile." But I don't really feel like getting into that right now. So, if you are reading this right now... Smile tomorrow when you wake up for me and see how it makes you feel.
I shoudl probably get to sleep now considering the big day I have ahead of me and the fact that I told my parents that I would be off in less than thirty minutes. I have my wishes and I have my dreams for tomorrow... Let's just pray they come true... Goodnight Everybody!
Don't forget to smile,
Sarah
P.S. Ross still hasn't texted me back D:
P.P.S. Me and Allison started writing a blog together. If you want to read it, you can find it at sarbearandallicat.blogspot.com :)
This Is From A Few Days Ago... Forgot To Post It
My sister is sitting next to me watching iCarly... Yay! That was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell. I am really fricken irritated right now and she is just doing everything she can to piss me off. How nice of her. I can't be anywhere in this house without somebody bothering me and it is ridiculous. You know I always told my parents that I wouldn't leave here for college. At this point i am greatly considering walking out that door right now. But, given the fact that I have exactly 17 dollars, I'm only 17, And I have nowhere to go, I guess I am kind of screwed for now.
I have been thinking about my morals lately. Everything that I have always believed in. I have noticed that a lot of the time I happen to find loopholes into my own beliefs in order to have what I want at the time. I have No self control. It is really a problem espcially since I have recently started to lose weight. But I mean there are things that I do and have done that I am really not proud of that I do even though I know I shouldn't. It's like buying something expensive on impulse. I just can't help myself. I really disappoint myself sometimes... interrupted....
I have been thinking about my morals lately. Everything that I have always believed in. I have noticed that a lot of the time I happen to find loopholes into my own beliefs in order to have what I want at the time. I have No self control. It is really a problem espcially since I have recently started to lose weight. But I mean there are things that I do and have done that I am really not proud of that I do even though I know I shouldn't. It's like buying something expensive on impulse. I just can't help myself. I really disappoint myself sometimes... interrupted....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Long Time Since
Well, it has definitely been a long time since the last time I blogged on here. Probably because I have no idea how a blog is supposed to work. I guess it is just a place to write down your thoughts and share your opinions. It's a little scary doing that sometimes though. Knowing that other people could just get on and read this is kind of nerve wrecking actually. But I guess the writing is only as personal as you make it.
One thing that has always interested me is the way English teachers teach the books we read in class. I mean, they always try to get the students to find some depth in the stories, which is perfectly fine to a certain point. The authors that wrote those books had reasons for writing them the way the did, sure, but do English teachers go just a little too far sometimes? There are only so many things that the author could have wanted from their books. Too deep.
Anyways, back to something about me. Well, so much has happened since the last time. I mean what has it been, almost a year? Time goes by so fast.
Life is going by so fast for me right now. I just finished my junior year in high school which officially makes me a senior. My parents both are trying to get me to get a job. I told them that as soon as I have my permit I would greatly consider it, but that has yet to happen. I have a boyfriend, Stephen... Yes this is the same Stephen that I was talking about in the last post, and actually the last post was exactly 5 days before he asked me to be his official girlfriend. We have been "together" for going on 10 months now. That is a really long time. I love him with all my heart and soul. I really don't know what I would do without him. He is so special to me. I miss him a lot though. With the 3 hour time difference and how fricken busy he is (always) it is hard to find a lot of time for us to talk, not to mention the fact that he still has yet to send me a letter which was both my Christmas AND birthday request. I also wish he would call me more. I don't even feel like I can call him because I always feel like I will be a bother. There is just something about his voice... it makes me not want to stop talking to him, it's comforting and gentle but deep and strong, but given the fact that our conversations last about 5 minutes on average, I never get enough. We have been through some really rough times and also some really good ones, but I know he loves me, and for now, that is all that matters. I really bummed that I am not going to be able to see him this summer due to his very busy schedule. I was really looking forward to being able to touch him and feel that he is real. It is scary to think that I am going to have to go a whole nother year in order to see my own boyfriend. So much can happen in that amount of time. One other thing that I am scared of is that we are going to grow apart. There is nothing I can personally do to stop it because I am not there to change and grow with him. So much can happen in a year.
For example, I know in this blog I have not even brought up the Bryce subject. We were pretty much best friends and we hardly ever talk now... How does that happen in such a small amount of time? I also have another friend named Ross who is my bestest guy friend... he is so amazing... I have to admit that even though he says it won't happen, I am scared that I am going to lose him just like I lost Bryce. I have good reason to too. Bryce told me that we would always be there for me and that we would always be close, but we don't even have a friendship anymore. Ross means so much to me. Personally, I have no idea how he puts up with me. I'm crazy, depressing, annoying at times, etc... and for some reason he still loves me. I miss him a lot sometimes. We hardly stop talking. Haha. We web cam all the time too. Or at least we used to until my stupid laptop stopped working. I miss talking to him a lot, and we never play Scrabble anymore cause I never get a turn on the computer due to my siblings constantly calling dibs. Ross is a special guy. He is sweet and hilarious (we share the same kind of humor and don't get offended when one of us tells the other a sexy joke of sorts like most people would). He is so much fun to talk to. Plus he isn't that bad looking :P He Is crazy though! Always telling jokes about Taco Bell. Hahahaha. Fiesta Sauce, really Ross? I couldn't lose him. He never ceases to stop trying to make me happy when I'm depressed, which is often lately. I'm really scared of losing him though.
So Friday I am going to Alli's house to have a Twilight marathon before either of us goes to see Eclipse, which is now out in theatres :D :D :D...
Till next time, "Oiier on the Porcelain" ;)
Love, Sarah
P.S. Text me :P
One thing that has always interested me is the way English teachers teach the books we read in class. I mean, they always try to get the students to find some depth in the stories, which is perfectly fine to a certain point. The authors that wrote those books had reasons for writing them the way the did, sure, but do English teachers go just a little too far sometimes? There are only so many things that the author could have wanted from their books. Too deep.
Anyways, back to something about me. Well, so much has happened since the last time. I mean what has it been, almost a year? Time goes by so fast.
Life is going by so fast for me right now. I just finished my junior year in high school which officially makes me a senior. My parents both are trying to get me to get a job. I told them that as soon as I have my permit I would greatly consider it, but that has yet to happen. I have a boyfriend, Stephen... Yes this is the same Stephen that I was talking about in the last post, and actually the last post was exactly 5 days before he asked me to be his official girlfriend. We have been "together" for going on 10 months now. That is a really long time. I love him with all my heart and soul. I really don't know what I would do without him. He is so special to me. I miss him a lot though. With the 3 hour time difference and how fricken busy he is (always) it is hard to find a lot of time for us to talk, not to mention the fact that he still has yet to send me a letter which was both my Christmas AND birthday request. I also wish he would call me more. I don't even feel like I can call him because I always feel like I will be a bother. There is just something about his voice... it makes me not want to stop talking to him, it's comforting and gentle but deep and strong, but given the fact that our conversations last about 5 minutes on average, I never get enough. We have been through some really rough times and also some really good ones, but I know he loves me, and for now, that is all that matters. I really bummed that I am not going to be able to see him this summer due to his very busy schedule. I was really looking forward to being able to touch him and feel that he is real. It is scary to think that I am going to have to go a whole nother year in order to see my own boyfriend. So much can happen in that amount of time. One other thing that I am scared of is that we are going to grow apart. There is nothing I can personally do to stop it because I am not there to change and grow with him. So much can happen in a year.
For example, I know in this blog I have not even brought up the Bryce subject. We were pretty much best friends and we hardly ever talk now... How does that happen in such a small amount of time? I also have another friend named Ross who is my bestest guy friend... he is so amazing... I have to admit that even though he says it won't happen, I am scared that I am going to lose him just like I lost Bryce. I have good reason to too. Bryce told me that we would always be there for me and that we would always be close, but we don't even have a friendship anymore. Ross means so much to me. Personally, I have no idea how he puts up with me. I'm crazy, depressing, annoying at times, etc... and for some reason he still loves me. I miss him a lot sometimes. We hardly stop talking. Haha. We web cam all the time too. Or at least we used to until my stupid laptop stopped working. I miss talking to him a lot, and we never play Scrabble anymore cause I never get a turn on the computer due to my siblings constantly calling dibs. Ross is a special guy. He is sweet and hilarious (we share the same kind of humor and don't get offended when one of us tells the other a sexy joke of sorts like most people would). He is so much fun to talk to. Plus he isn't that bad looking :P He Is crazy though! Always telling jokes about Taco Bell. Hahahaha. Fiesta Sauce, really Ross? I couldn't lose him. He never ceases to stop trying to make me happy when I'm depressed, which is often lately. I'm really scared of losing him though.
So Friday I am going to Alli's house to have a Twilight marathon before either of us goes to see Eclipse, which is now out in theatres :D :D :D...
Till next time, "Oiier on the Porcelain" ;)
Love, Sarah
P.S. Text me :P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)