Black Clouds and Confusion

Do you ever feel like there is just a black cloud in your chest? Like your bottle is full and over-flowing about to shatter?

Sometimes I am just not happy. Everybody has their problems, I know, but sometimes I just feel like I want to break down and scream and cry. I think my speciality is creating black clouds for myself. My "boyfriend," Stephen, can get rid of them so easily. I don't know how he does it. He just makes me feel really good about everything.

I told Stephen that somebody asked me out and he told me he was surprised that I loved him enough to turn the guy down. I don't know what that means though. Does that mean he doesnt love me that much? Does it mean that I shouldn't love him that much? It confused me. He says he trusts me, yet when I tell him I love him, does he believe me? This is the only thing that concerns me. I wonder if he is actually commited to me. I wonder if he wants me in the same way, and as much as I want him. I really pray that he hasn't played me this entire time.

I was also thinking to myself just now, "Will we stay friends if we ever break up?" It is a sad thing to think about, but I don't know what I am supposed to be thinking. I feel bad because I don't feel like I can give him eerything he needs. We live so far away that I have a bad feeling somebody is going to be able to sweep him away from me.


Is it bad that I have been thinking things like this? Should things like this even be crossing my mind at this point?

See, this is how I create the black clouds, I think too much.

Forever and Always,
Sarah